What Your Friends in Long Term Relationships Want You to Know about Relationships
My oh my do perspectives change when you are in a long term relationship. This is especially true if you started your relationship before or outside of the era of dating apps. This change in perspective can lead to a disconnect between those in a relationship and those who are single. If you are wondering why I am talking to those in long term relationships, and not my single friends, the answer is quite simply “I already wrote that blog”. In fact, I wrote two as part of The Quarter Life Crisis Chronicles. So, if you want to read more on modern dating from the perspective of singles, then check out those blogs here and here. This blog is just to lend perspective on being in a long term relationship (2+ years) as young millennials. I asked a few friends the following questions:
What advice do you have for your peers who are dating?
What misconceptions do you think single people have about being in a relationship?
What do you wish single people stopped saying to you about being in a relationship?
Here is what they had to say:
What advice do you have for your peers who are dating?
It’s so important to maintain your own schedule, social obligations, and interests! - Ari
The most important thing is communication with your partner. If your partner did something that upset you, the best possible solution will come from talking to them about it in calm manner, not talking to your best friend or posting about it on social media. “It hurt my feelings when you did or said X, even though I know that wasn’t your intention” is going to be the best way for you to express how you feel and for them to understand what they did wrong and how to not do it in the future. - Jennifer
I believe that it’s said often but communication is key, and not just communicating but being able to speak to your partner in way that connects with how they receive information. Example I prefer blunt straight to the point kind “let me have it” kind of communication if my partner has a concern in regards to our relationship, whereas they prefer that I preface and give them time to prepare themselves before having a conversation. I feel like effective communication clears any doubts, confusion and or conflict that may arise in a relationship without having to argue viciously. - Erin
Don't forget to be mindful of how you are interacting and treating your significant other after the honeymoon phase. I don't mean to say that things won't be a little different but it is important to remember that putting in the effort and time that you once did needs to continue to be as your relationship matures. - Landon
I have three answers, ha! First, I believe it’s crucial to remember that no one is perfect. Your significant other (and YOU!) are going to have a few habits and personality traits that may clash. It’s so important that you are able to love them for these traits, not try to change them. If your relationship is going to last long-term, you need to love them despite what you view as “flaws.” You’ll never be happy if you don’t do that.
Second, as cliche as it sounds, communication is key. You need to be able to figure out how to best communicate with your significant other. When are they most receptive? How you do discuss hard topics while demonstrating respect to each other? If it’s a big conversation you need to have, try preparing them (“Hey, I have something on my mine and want to talk about it when we can both devote our full attention to it. Is tonight after dinner okay?”). Remember to say how you’re feeling versed attacking them (“When you said that I need to just forget about what that person said, it made me feel like you were saying I’m doing something wrong because I’m letting it bother me. Is that what you meant?”). TALK WHEN AN ISSUE ARISES. Discuss each other’s hopes and dreams and how you can work together to help one another accomplish said hopes and dreams. Just talk. Talk a lot and do so meaningfully.
Last, be careful talking about each other’s families. Families are ROUGH. Everyone has their own problems. Sure, you can vent and complain about your own family, but it’s hard hearing it come out of your SO’s mouth. It immediately puts you on the defensive...even if they’re saying exactly how you feel. It’s weird that this is how it works, but we’ve learned along the way to listen when the other talks about their family, not contribute how we really feel in the moment. - Sara
What misconceptions do you think single people have about being in a relationship?
People think being in a partnership is a tangible thing they can achieve. A relationship is a way of being, not something to check off the to-do list. Being coupled up means listening and supporting each other’s ideas and dreams, expressing mutual respect, building a life with common values, and working together to realize shared goals.- Ari
That you come as a package. Some people act as a single unit when they are in a relationship, but most couples are two different people who may have different hobbies and interests that don’t have to be sacrificed to be in a relationship. - Jennifer
One thing I felt when I was single before was that being in a relationship may help to fill some void in my life, but the truth is being in a relationship has made me realize how important being a strong individual is. Yes it’s great to have someone else to partner with through the journey of life and while you grow as a couple it’s very important to be mindful of yourself. Don’t get lost and drop everything you have going for yourself in order to please another person. You both should inspire and encourage each other in all aspects of life. - Erin
That it's boring. I mean, some people probably do have "boring" relationships, but a lot of that is from the outside looking in when people make that assumption. Oftentimes when you're in a long term relationship you will have running inside jokes and feel comfortable enough to be your true self, and that makes for fun times. - Landon
To be honest, I’m not sure. I had to think about this question for a while. I do think, though, that many single have their own stereotypes or very strong opinions about relationships and those in relationships. Some people who are single have zero desire to be in a relationship, and that’s great! Some people who are single long for a connection. I think those people (including me when I was single!) sometimes can look at couples and have feelings of jealously, resentment, or lust (let me reiterate that I’m generalizing based on how I felt myself and what I hear my single friends saying. This is obviously not the case for everyone!). Yes, relationships are wonderful; having someone that’s “your person” can help you navigate life SO MUCH. But not all relationships are positive, and NO relationship is easy.
Basically, you need to be you. Don’t compare yourself to others or think you’re “the odd one out.” Single is strong and awesome. Being in a relationship is strong and awesome. Just be supportive of one another and be yourself. No need to judge 😊 - Sara
What do you wish single people stopped saying to you about being in a relationship?
Assuming you’re constantly accompanied by your partner everywhere you go. I enjoy my independence! - Ari
Once, my bf was saying how he had cleaned my place when I was really busy at work for me so that when I did have time off, we had more time to spend together because the house was really clean. My friend snapped at her bf “why don’t you ever stuff like that for me” without realizing how much I do for my bf and he was just doing for me what I do for him in a normal week. Once she realized that she said “oh no thanks never mind.” Things like that, where people get involved or have an opinion where they don’t understand our relationship is where I wish people just wouldn’t say anything.
The other thing, which is more specific that I don’t like when they first meet my s.o. is when they say racist things without realizing how racist they are. Like making assumptions that we only eat Chinese food at home, or asking “where are you FROM from”. That gets old really fast. You can be from America without being the whitest of white. - Jennifer
If there’s one thing I would like to not hear is the whole “when are you going to get a house and get married!?” stuff, I feel like it puts an unnecessary pressure on people in relationships especially long term relationships. I’m a “live in the present kind of person, so I don’t like to rush anything. I love my partner and am going to marry them, but in our own timing in the way we’d like to do it. - Erin
I can't really think of anything specifically that bothers me. I guess the only thing I can really think of is that people often think you aren't an individual as much anymore, but are a couple. I think that is a shame, and oftentimes is projection that others don't maintain. For me personally I think it should be a balanced thing. Like, I can have my individualistic side and my relationship side - if that makes sense. A good example of this is that people will often immediately jump straight to "what does your significant other think?" when it may not be something even related to them. Of course I care what they think, but what about me as an individual? - Landon
I believe a common misconception is that we are a couple and spend too much time together. There’s a balance of being with each other and tending to our needs within our relationship and having our own time as individuals. I can’t explain it, but you just FEEL different once you’re married. We dated for 8.5 years before we got married. We grew as individuals and as a couple through high school, college, and the beginnings of adulthood. While we were dating, we had more “me time.” Now that we’re married and life is crazy (especially our season of life as caretakers right now), it’s almost like we need the weekends to recharge as a couple. That doesn’t mean we are “antisocial” or “only do things together.” It’s just where we’re at right now. - Sara
And there you have it. I really want to know how you felt about this? Single ladies and gents, was this insightful or insulting? My other LTR peeps do you agree/disagree? Let me know in the comments.
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Until next time :)