The Quarter Life Crisis Chronicles Volume 2: Millenial Mating Madness #datingsucks - Part Two
Hello! And welcome back to The Quarter Life Crisis Chronicles Volume 2: Millennial Mating Madness. In part one we discuss emotional intelligence and online dating. If have not read let one yet, you can find it here: www.aperture526.com/blog/tlqcc2-1. In part two we will take it from the digital realm and talk about what it means to date IRL as well as how gender roles have affected dating. Lastly, I’m gonna hit you up with some millennial dating terms. Some of which you may have heard before. So buckle up, grab a nice beverage, and let’s get started.
Lets start by once again introducing our lovely singles:
Anonynous
Female. 25. Anonymous is not actively dating or in a relationship. She works full-time, and has been single for over a year and not actively looking to date.
Hunter
I am not really big on dating, longest “relationship” was about 6 months, multiple situation-ships, couple of one night stands, and yet I still enjoy being single. I’m more worried of being in a toxic relationship rather than I would be being single. I enjoy going on dates and flirting though, just trying to keep things fun and positive.
Danielle
I am 23 from up north. I am a fun outgoing girl. I am a people person that loves to talk and meet new people. Animal lover and any hip hop and R&B from the late 90’s to the early 2000’s is my favorite! Anyone who loves Drake as much as I do is good in my book.
Andrew aka Chew
Hey, My name is Andrew Chew! I’m a current IT Professional at Georgia Tech Research Institute and master’s student. Some things that I like to do during my off time is trying out new foods at restaurants and cooking some bomb food myself. I off-set this hobby by also weight-lifting/running at the gym regularly to fuel my goal in life of being able to eat whatever while looking my best. Though I always enjoy sitting on my butt to play video games or watch shows online. There are many other things I like to do, but that’ll be too much of an intro. 8 times out of 10 I’ll probably be down to do any activity and enjoy it!
Awesome! Let’s continue…
DATING IRL
We can get caught up in our apps, DMs, and social medias that the idea of meeting someone in person has distorted our reality of what dating should be. It has also led to some dating anomalies. Let’s discuss:
Me: So let’s get right into this. Is our generation hyper focused on sex?
Anonymous: Hyper focused? I don't think so. Desensitized? Perhaps. Sex is not as taboo today as it used to be in previous generations- especially in entertainment and pop culture.
Hunter: Humans have always liked sex….we are animals, that’s just part of life. However yes, more information is available to us via the internet and mass media/films etc. plus the porn industry is insanely large, as well as sensual commercials with sexual innuendos, so in the past you had to put effort into finding sexual material, nowadays it’s almost commonplace, and you almost have to put effort into avoiding sexual media, they even have online blockers now that flag pornography and tv settings for kids.
Danielle: Yes, guys and girls. In my experience guys don’t even care to get to know you before they want to hop in bed with you.
Chew: Yeah, I think so.
In a previous blog, I talked with Taylor about talking and situationships and DTR-ing. I wanted to bring those questions forward here. If you wanna check out that fun conversation about slut-shaming and dating, you can find it here: www.aperture526.com/blog/atw5
Me: Let’s talk about Talking. UrbanDictionary.com refers to Talking “as when two people like each other a lot and have established that they like each other but they aren't technically "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" yet but they don't talk to other people” How often have you found yourself talking to someone? Why has this become a thing?
Anonymous: Have not had this happen to me.
Hunter: Almost all my positive relationships have just been from “talking” and not actually dating. Again, I just enjoy shorter relationships, going on a few dates, and then break them off and go back to being single.
Danielle: All the time. I think it’s because no one wants to be hurt I honestly think that’s the root of it all! So many people have been hurt by others they are too scared to commit and the saying hurt people hurt people is the truth.
Chew: None at all. I think it’s one of those I really like this person, but I don’t want to commit, and this is the perfect situation where they are exclusive to them and not to anyone else and if it doesn’t go anywhere they can bounce off to someone else.
Danielle: Fall 2018
Me: When Talking evolves, it can morph into a Situationship. Our friends over at Urban Dictionary have once again simplify this concept into a tiny yet helpful definition describing it as “any problematic relationship characterized by one or more unresolved, interpersonal conflicts. usually confused with dating.” Have you ever been in a situationship? Can you describe the reasons why you either stayed or left your situationship? Are you still in one?
Anonymous: Have not experienced this.
Hunter: Yes, I have several times. It’s dating minus the commitment, a situationship must be held at face value. It’s a temporary relationship, for a certain amount of time, and then it ends. Kinda like the honeymoon phase of dating but you both know it’s temporary so you can both just enjoy the fling for a while and then go on about your lives.
Let the record show that a few months ago Hunter did not know what a situationship was until I called him out for being in one.
Danielle: My dating life literally is a huge situationship. The only way I can describe reasons for staying would be the hope of it turning into more and leaving because it wasn’t moving just a very stagnant relationship. I may Still be in one even though I hate to admit it.
Chew: Nope, sorry can’t relate with this one.
Me: So there are a few ways to get out of a situationship and that is by either ghosting or DTR-ing. Which are you more likely to do? Which one has happened more often to you?
Anonymous: I can't speak from experience, but I would probably be more inclined to DTR.
Hunter: I’ve been honest and ended it, I’ve had them kinda fizzle out, and I’ve just ghosted people as I’ve had all of those happen to me as well. No biggie, it just be like that sometimes.
Danielle: Defining the relationship is definitely my thing because I need clarity and I can’t play guessing games with people. I’ve experienced both but I would prefer to define things it’s the least messy.
Chew: I would probably be the DTR. On the opposite end I’ve been ghosted on numerous occasions.
Sadly enough, I’ve pretty much only ghosted people, but it was very hard at a school of only 6000 people. #dumbashell
We’re dating, and dating, and dating. And Boom! The reality that is gender roles finally rears its ugly head.
Hunter: Winter 2018
GENDER ROLES
According to a 2018 report by the Oxford Internet Institute, both men and women still conform to gender sterotypes and said behavior even when dating online. This study focused on cisgendered, heterosexual users.
Me: Does online dating encourage traditional gender roles in dating? What about apps like Bumble?
Anonymous: I don't know.
Hunter: I would say no, it’s just a shit show honestly. Boys ask out girls, girls ask out boys, the gays get their action too, some people are very direct, other people are really distracting and misleading and play hard to get. Most dating apps also have bugs and fake profiles which is annoying.
Let the record show that “the gays” is in no manner politically correct and Aperture526 does not condone the use of such wording.
Danielle: No, I think it’s actually counterproductive. Bumble actually makes the girls initiate the chase rather than the other way around. Really feel like traditional gender roles in dating are over and done with.
Chew: With online dating roles are encouraged to reverse such as Bumble. I have a co-worker who used bumble and was contacted by his now girlfriend. It’s a small percentage, but the traditional role of male making first contact is being flipped to female making first contact.
Me: Ladies, how do you handle toxic masculinity when you are dating? How has the #metoo movement changed how you go about dating? What about TV shows like You?
Anonymous: I don't think there is such a thing as "toxic masculinity" or "toxic femininity." I call it being a jerk. A jerk can be male or female, and I have met plenty of both types in my life.
The #metoo movement has not changed my opinion of dating. While on a date, I am responsible for my own safety, and it is up to me to get myself out of a dangerous situation. I am firm believer in using common sense and following your gut when interacting with people you do not know very well.
I did not get a sense that You was about gender roles/issues. I think You was a fascinating story about a mentally ill man and how his infatuation with a woman ultimately led to his downfall.
#SPOILERALERT: Let the record show that st the end of the first season if You, the main antagonist does not have a downfall
Danielle: I Really feel like it’s taken over and I really just have to check guys here and there if they are getting out of hand and either they feel intimidated or challenged and they back off or they are able to understand how their actions are toxic and are willing to listen and tweak them. That show was very disturbing to me and I felt like a lot of guys do feel like they own women and that in itself is a horrible mindset to have.
Me: Gentleman, Is toxic femininity a thing? How do you handle toxic femininity when you are dating? How has the #metoo movement changed how you go about dating?
Hunter: *appropriate crude joke alert*
Well sexism is wrong…and being wrong is for women!
I haven’t really had any interactions with toxic feminists. If I meet someone who is just rude and entitled, I just ignore them and go on about my way. I think women empowerment is cool though, I’m not going to act like there isn’t gender diversity in this country, but it’s all about your attitude and how you go about empowering yourself/others. Rule of life “Don’t be a dick” and that applies to girls too.
Let the record show that Aperture526 does not approve of Hunter’s sexist joke.
Chew: Have not experience this. The #metoo movement hasn’t really changed how I went about interacting with others.
Chew: 2018
Me: What double standards have you come across whole dating? How do think we begin to remedy all of the issues brought forth?
Anonymous: Man and women are different. There will always be differences, and consequently, double standards. I think remedying double standards would require us, as a society, to completely change the psychology of how we look at/interact with other human beings.
Hunter: Sort of deflecting the answer, but I like when my date buys her own food. I don’t mind paying, I just think as a nod to modern independence it’s a nice touch. Plus I don’t want to be with someone who relies on me too much, financially or emotionally.
Danielle: I think for me everyone always is okay and comfortable and accepting of the phrase “all men cheat” when that isn’t true, or should that be accepted by anyone its trash! But when women do it, we are sluts and heartless. That’s one of the most irritating double standards I see every day. No one should cheat but why is it more widely accepted if you’re a man? And just to flip to the other side of the coin women can pay for a date and take a man and treat him. Though I say that I personally believe in the man courting a woman and taking care of those costs associated with dating upfront but I do think once people are dating or in a relationship the woman should be comfortable taking that responsibility sometimes but I do feel men should always be ready to take that on because I do believe in the man being the provider and making sure their significant other or the woman they are dating is good.
Chew: Males are expected to initiate everything. Heck if you want to do something speak up. Relationship is meant as a two-way communication. We can’t read minds.
With that, I want to conclude the interview portion with a few personal questions.
Me: Do you think millennials have killed dating?
Anonymous: Killed? Not yet. Changed? Definitely- especially with the introduction of texting and online interactions. I think millennial have removed a large "personal" component of dating/meeting people that did not exist in previous generations. I say millennials have not "killed" dating yet, because successful relationships have come out of such circumstances. However, as soon this dating method is no longer successful, dating is dead.
Hunter: Noo?? People still go on dates as far as all I know.
Danielle: No but almost. I do think a lot of values and morals have been lost and that’s something we all need to dig deep down and find.
Chew: No, Dating is still out there and strong. Just a different culture of it.
Me: How do you see dating evolve in the next 5-10 years?
Anonymous: Difficult to predict. I think it will depend on if online dating trends continue.
Hunter: Capitalism will try its best to keep it going. Definitely more online interactions I feel like. Our society is changing though, Netflix is killing the cinema industry though, diamonds are expensive as fuck, going out to a bar/club starts to get expensive, people still wanna connect and date, but it’s getting really expensive to do “traditional” date nights.
Danielle: Its either going to turn around before It gets really bad or it's going to spiral out of control and become a huge disaster.
Chew: Virtual Reality. In-person interaction without actually leaving your house.
Anonymous: 2018
Me: How do you see yourself in five years when it comes to dating?
Anonymous: Hopefully, older, wiser and better able to make good dating choices.
Hunter: I’ll be 30 so most likely I’ll have found someone either online with a kickass profile or I someone that just by chance ran into but turns out to be really keeewwwllll.
Danielle: Hoping and praying that I’ve found someone who understands me. Hopefully I would have been able to settle down and already be married or at least engaged.
Chew: Hopefully seriously dating someone I want to be with.
And with that, I thought I’d introduce a few millennial dating terms that I have come across during my research. Of course, I had to ask if my interviewees had heard of these.
MILLENNIAL DATING TERMS
Me: Which of these terms have you heard of?
Anonymous: Never heard of any of these terms before LOL
Hunter: N/A
Danielle: Cuffing Season, BDE, Draking, Being left on read
Chew: Cuffing Season, BDE, Slow Fade
Breadcrumbing - When the “crush” has no intentions of taking things further, but they like the attention. So they flirt here or there, send dm/texts just to keep the person interested, knowing damn well they’re staying single.
Cuffing Season - During the Fall and Winter months people who would normally rather be single or promiscuous find themselves along with the rest of the world desiring to be "Cuffed" or tied down by a serious relationship. The cold weather and prolonged indoor activity causes singles to become lonely and desperate to be cuffed.
BDE - aka Big Dick Energy. Subtle, sexy confidence; confidence without cockiness.
Zombieing/Haunting - It’s where someone you previously dated (and very likely cared for) or were even in a relationship with, ghosted you, only to then resurface some time later, most likely in the form of some sort of social media interaction or an out of the blue text message. Usually the zombieing happens just when you’ve gotten over the hurt of having them ghost you in the first place. Then, all of a sudden, they subtly reappear (I say subtle – it can feel like a slap in the face!) causing more emotional upset.
Slow Fade - Lacking in readiness, or willingness to accept a budding relationship therefore, institutes this passive aggressive method of disappearing from a relationship all together over an extended period of time.
Benching - Benching is when you start dating someone you think is nice and who has potential, but you're not crazy about them. You don't know wether to keep dating them, or dump them and move on to the next one. This is where benching happens; instead of going for either of the above polarized options, you put your date in your mental 'maybe' folder and 'bench them' so you date around to see what else is out there.
Bird Boxing - Being blind to just how bad your partner/the person you’re seeing is.
Drake-ing - When you find yourself reminiscing about a past relationship and doing things like, texting, emailing or calling an Ex or Exes. This also can include but is not limited to writing songs, and or poems about that person.
R- Bombing/ Being Left on Read - When you know that a person has seen your message, but hasn't responded to it.
Orbiting - Orbiting is when the person who ghosted you, continues to linger in your life by watching every single one of Instagram stories and liking/commenting on your social media posts.
And with that I will write a very scathing yet inspirational message. Dating is what you make it. Although it may seem like we as a generation are losing our ground and possibly our minds in this dating world, maybe, just maybe, we are evolving and growing the manners in which we interact socially in a relationship. Maybe the ghosting, situationships, and apps are in fact helping. If you don’t believe me, then check out this headline below
Happy Marriages Millennials :)
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Thanks y’all! And remember to send some positive vibes into the universe today :)
SOURCES:
https://camillestyles.com/wellness/all-the-new-dating-terms-you-need-to-know/