The Quarter Life Crisis Chronicles Volume 2: Millenial Mating Madness #datingsucks - Part One
Hello! And welcome to the first in a seemingly depressing series called The Quarter Life Chronicles. This is a series about that pesky little crisis that torments our mid-twenties and the many things that cause it. Our first topic: Dating. As a quick heads up, this was originally one blog, however thanks to our interviewees who responded with some very thorough and well-written answers, I realized this would best be in two parts. The first part will cover Our Emotions and Online Dating, Apps, and Internet Personas. The second part will continue with Dating IRL, Gender Roles and Millennial Dating Terms.
Now let’s get started!
Dating can be very complicated, and well, I have been in a relationship for a while that started in an oddly traditional way. As a consequence of my unfamiliarity with the modern dating strategies, I decided to interview multiple people as I am seeking a diverse set of answers in the hopes that it will give a clearer image of the dating lives of young millennials. So I will start by introducing our lovely singles:
Anonynous
Female. 25. Anonymous is not actively dating or in a relationship. She works full-time, and has been single for over a year and not actively looking to date.
Hunter
I am not really big on dating, longest “relationship” was about 6 months, multiple situation-ships, couple of one night stands, and yet I still enjoy being single. I’m more worried of being in a toxic relationship rather than I would be being single. I enjoy going on dates and flirting though, just trying to keep things fun and positive.
Danielle
I am 23 from up north. I am a fun outgoing girl. I am a people person that loves to talk and meet new people. Animal lover and any hip hop and R&B from the late 90’s to the early 2000’s is my favorite! Anyone who loves Drake as much as I do is good in my book.
Andrew aka Chew
Hey, My name is Andrew Chew! I’m a current IT Professional at Georgia Tech Research Institute and master’s student. Some things that I like to do during my off time is trying out new foods at restaurants and cooking some bomb food myself. I off-set this hobby by also weight-lifting/running at the gym regularly to fuel my goal in life of being able to eat whatever while looking my best. Though I always enjoy sitting on my butt to play video games or watch shows online. There are many other things I like to do, but that’ll be too much of an intro. 8 times out of 10 I’ll probably be down to do any activity and enjoy it!
One quick thing, If you hear me or my colleagues refer to “we”, we are talking about our generation, not the like four specific people talking.
As previously said, the format of today’s conversation is centered around two topics: Our Emotions and Dating Apps and The Online Persona. We start with Our Emotions.
OUR EMOTIONS
Emotional intelligence is defined as “the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one's emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically” (Merriam Webster). It is said the current quarter-lifers have some of the lowest emotional intelligence seen in years and although we are now normalizing and seeking therapy as a means of bettering our mental health, it still seems as though we are dragging our emotions in and all over our relationships. And with that, the questions begin…
Me: It is said that one of the reasons our generation is failing at finding love is because of our extreme apathy. Do you sense a lack of showing emotions and a lack of accountability for other’s emotions when you are dating? Are you this person?
Anonymous: Apathy in dating or a relationship would indicate either- you are not interested in the person you are with, or not interested in dating as a whole. I don't think this is isolated to just the millennial generation- I think it can happen to anyone. However, I think it is easier to be open and show emotions when you are with someone you genuinely connect with and trust, regardless of age.
Hunter: I would say I’m very emotionally independent and very comfortable with my emotional stability, therefore, I don’t “require” as much emotional attention, or give too much. I don’t enjoy getting caught up with other people’s bullshit and problems.
Danielle: Yessssss! I feel like everyone has been hurt by someone and they are too scared to care about someone else. Everyone is so closed off and hiding their feelings it’s like people try to beat each other to the punch (hurt someone before they hurt you) then once someone is actually hurt in the situation no one can be held accountable because it's “not their fault” I am definitely not this person at all. I seem to be the one getting the short end of the stick.
Chew: I would say that the lack of showing emotion is part of the problem. As someone who has recently learned through some experiences and hardship that showing emotions isn’t a bad thing. It’s the opposite. I learned to express my feelings properly and truly create a relationship with those around me. For the lack of accountability sometimes it’s hard to understand how someone else feels especially if they have that wall around them. That brings it back around if you have something to express emotionally then do it! You will regret it if you don’t.
Me: Is there a problem with over-analyzing things? Texts, lack of texts, a minor flaw?
Anonymous: I don't usually read too deep into the details of every correspondence I have with somebody; I tend to take things that people say at face-value. I think if a guy wants to talk to you, he will talk to you. If he does not want to talk to you, he will not.
Hunter: Yes, if it looks and talks like a duck, most of the time…it’s a duck……. Sometimes things should be taken at face value and not over analyzed. Texting can be easily misinterpreted, but also still a major form of communication, soooooo, you get out what you put in I suppose.
Danielle: I think yes and no. I think people get overly paranoid about things like what does it mean if they don’t text back in a few hours, which I’m guilty of I like quick responses. At the same time, I feel people can be pushed away by those overly analytical things because if they are genuinely interested and they are always being doubted is very discouraging.
Chew: No, not at all. Everyone over-analyzes things at some point. It’s a minor flaw that we must work with. It only becomes a problem when you don’t make that mistake and learn from it. It becomes to the point where someone will become obsessive about a topic for example “lack of text”. The lack of text could be anything, busy, terrible texter (I do this sometimes), or they straight up aren’t interested, and you need to move on.
A Wild Hunter Frolicking On The Beach. October 2016. Image provided by Hunter
Me: What is your opinion seeking perfection and unrealistic standards in dating?
Anonymous: I have a list of what I call "non-negotiables"- things that I look for in a partner that is a must (have a job, does not smoke/ do drugs, stable in his finances, etc.). I do not compromise on these non-negotiables; if a potential partner does not pass this litmus test, the relationship shall go no farther. I believe every person should set standards and expectations of what they desire in a partner. Finding the right partner requires being ruthless in your decision-making.
Hunter: Whuuuut? Lol, people have standards?
I think it’s a toxic mentality. I don’t consider myself perfect, but I still hold myself in high regards, therefore, I feel my prehistoric mating duty is to find someone I deem “better” or just as good as me.
Danielle: I believe it is detrimental to the dating experience. Everyone wants someone who is established and is ready to settle down. The truth is we are all still young and trying to figure it out. I am also guilty of this only because I run into a lot of guys who are comfortable falling short of their goals and that’s not me, I want someone with the same drive to succeed as me I never want to be around someone who is comfortable when they could be working towards an even better life for themselves. Having a job and a hooptie is not enough.
Chew: I mean I think it’s okay to a point of finding your version of “perfection” I don’t think everyone out there is looking for a partner who comes from the Heavens. For the standards, it all depends on the relationship…If it comes to the point where you’re giving 110% and the other person is giving you -10% then you need to get out ASAP.
Me: Okay… So I personally think trying to find someone who is “perfect” is awful, but the absolute worst thing this generation has is the unbridled need for instant gratification. Have you fallen ill to this disease?
Anonymous: Not in my experience. However, I don't think it takes very long to know if a relationship is working or not.
Hunter: Good question, I’d like to say no, but I’m sure I have. Our society doesn’t really have to “work hard” for things now, everything we want to know is at our fingertips, google = instant information, amazon = 2 day shipping, Netflix = watch entire seasons of shows without commercials….. so the same could be said for relationships and their expectations.
Danielle: Unfortunately, YES. It's great but I know most of the time you have to work extremely hard for the things you want. In this generation, we always want to take the easiest route to get what we want.
Chew: Not fallen, but I have experienced this before. Learned real quick it’s the later things in life that are worth the wait for.
A Casual Slayyyyy. March 2019. Image provided by Danielle
According to a quick google search, there are over 2,500 online dating services online and over 40 dating apps for your phone. On top of that, there are over 34,200,000 search results for “How to create the perfect online dating profile”. While I went the traditional route of secretly dating a coworker, most twenty-somethings are not. Rather, they are using apps and online profiles to find love. This is where we head next...
ONLINE DATING, APPS, AND INTERNET PERSONAS
The one element that is exacerbating this sickness I call Instant Gratification is the Internet. Dating Apps and Online personas have completely altered dating in the last five years. I have never used a dating app, so talking to my friends about this is going to be very interesting.
Me: First Question: Who is on or has used a dating app?
Anonymous: Never used one.
Hunter: Yes
Danielle: 🙋🏽♀️ Guilty
Chew: I have/am currently use a dating app.
Me: Do you think online dating gives you too many options right at your fingertips? Have people become disposable?
Anonymous: Yes. I think the sheer quantity of choices is overwhelming and requires a lot of work on the user's part to weed through hundreds of profiles before finding someone worth talking to.
Are people disposable? I think it depends on the app user's intentions. If the user genuinely intents to use the app as a tool to find the right person, no. If the user intents to find hook-ups alone, yes. Hook-ups indicate the user intends to "use" someone, therefore, making the people they interact with "disposable" once the user's needs are met.
Hunter: Kinda, it’s like a strip mall window shopping for emotional interaction. I do feel there is an illusion of options though, and it’s in fact quite limiting. Since you are limited by photos and a short bio you’re forced to just kinda hope for the best, and it’s hard to single out individual persons you may like. With such an overload of “potential matches” it’s easy to quickly be detached and it just becomes another silly app/game you play on your phone, and it’s then just a numbers game, how many swipes, how many matches, how many responses, how many dates can I get, etc.
Danielle: I wouldn’t say too many people, but I feel like because there is so many people and people get keyboard bravery that it becomes an issue because the start to act in ways that they would never act if they were face to face with a person. I personally don’t view people as disposable, but I can see how that thought process could easily come about.
Chew: I don’t think online dating gives too many options, but instead gives you the ability to meet different type of people, find your interests, find someone who vibes with you. The best part you can be instantly connected as long as you don’t send out a creepy vibe.
Anonymous Posing For Her Pre-GNO. Image provided by Google Images
Me: So, as I was doing research for this blog, I came across a pretty interesting term. Instagrandstanding is when one tailors their Instagram feed to appeal to a person they are interested in. Essentially, one just posts pictures that they know will get the attention of their crush. I have done this when I am looking for a new job, but never for a person. Have you? Or do you know someone who has done this?
Anonymous: Never heard of such a thing.
Hunter: Can’t say I’ve dealt with that, in regards to specifically targeting a single person.
Danielle: No, I have never done this but I do feel like I post the things that I think make me look the cutest and it’s for my own personal preference but that maybe could be interpreted as me doing it for someone else. I know plenty of people who do it.
Chew: Nope, never done this nor have I ever known someone to do this. I just post my food pics or whatever is interesting and call it a day.
I have done this… It worked. LOL.
Me: On this topic, how much effort is put into your online or app persona? How different is the online or app you than the real you?
Anonymous: Don't have an online dating profile.
Hunter: I’d say my social media postings reflects much less than half of what I have going on, if not more. I post something like once a week if that.
Danielle: I feel like as of recently I have begun to lose more and more interest in social media. I don’t feel like I put as much info as I have in the past, but I feel like I’ve spent a good deal of time making it perfect almost obsessing over it, now I kind of don’t care to even post. I feel like my online persona is the same as I am but maybe a little more fun than my actual life.
Chew: Online-wise not very much effort. I would say my online persona is different than the real me, but I’m learning to just flow with it and be myself online-wise.
A Casual Chew. May 2017. Image stolen from Chew’s Facebook.
Me: In her podcast Why Won’t You Date Me? Nicole Byer has said a few times that constant messaging rather than in person interactions creates a false sense of intimacy between two people. Do you find this to be true?
Anonymous: I think it depends on the content of the message. It is possible to have deep, meaningful conversations over text.
Hunter: Yeah, It’s just another barrier from actual interaction. With mass communication comes mass dis-communication, many negative social skills are allowed to flourish when typed versus the spoken word of mouth because you lack body language which I feel is 50% of conversing with someone. Alsoooo It’s easy to spit game over text and then in person you may get nervous; or maybe you can hold serious conversations with someone in person because you can actually talk for long periods of time, versus if you have to text it you may not want to be able to type it all out.
Danielle: Yes, because I feel like a lot of people mindlessly talk to people all of the time because that’s what our generation has made acceptable but when someone is genuinely interested its hard to decipher and a lot of feelings get hurt that way because you never know who is really interested or going through the motions.
Chew: Yeah, I think we have this culture now that if you’re not in constant contact with the other person 24/7 via text you’re not interested. If the conversation just natural flows, then keep it going. You won’t really know if someone is truly into the other person until they have some outings.
Annnnddd this will conclude part one… Phew! That was a lot to take in… And I know a lot of you have opinions on what was said by some of our interviewees. Feel free to comment below if you agree, disagree, don’t care, or want to add a different perspective. Stay tuned in the following weeks as we tackle Dating IRL, Gender Roles and Millennial Dating Terms.
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Thank you! And see you in a few weeks :)