How to Set Healthy Boundaries with Friends
Setting boundaries seems to be a new-ish concept for younger people. Boundaries are guidelines that you set for yourself to maintain an appropriate and respectful relationship with your friends. Boundary setting is a form of self care based on your self esteem, because you will be teaching others how you want to be treated. So, if you have lower self esteem and you don’t treat yourself as well as you should, you are setting the example for others to also not treat you the best. So, how should you approach boundary setting with your friends?
Take some time to assess your feelings: When you decide it's time to set boundaries, it's typically because there is a feeling that you’ve gotten as a reaction to an action a friend has taken. Ask yourself these questions?
What did they do that I was not a fan of?
How did it make me feel?
Was this the first time they've done something that’s elicited this feeling from me?
If not, what other instances can I list that didn’t sit right with me?
With understanding what you didn’t like, write down what you wish should’ve happened. A few things to ask yourself is:
If I were my friend, I would have done this instead_____.
I wanted my friend to do this instead_______.
Next, take that and turn it into a limit.
I don’t like when my friend does ______.
When _____________ happens, I would like my friend to do ___________.
Now that you’ve processed your feelings, let’s talk about gearing up for “the talk”
A lot of blogs I read about talked about “considering your history” with your friend. Here’s my take on that. It shouldn’t matter if a friendship is two weeks old, two years old, or two decades old, that has no bearing on whether or not you should set boundaries. Time has no bearing on boundary setting
Next, we are going to decide how to handle the situation. I suggest doing this “in person”. So like literally in person with social distancing measures and safety in mind, or through a facetime or zoom call. Do not try and have this conversation through test, IM, or DM. You want to be able to clearly get your message across without it being muddied and non verbal communication leaves too much room for error.
Do not build this up to be a showdown.
This is a conversation. Depending on the personality of your friend, it may be a bit harder to get your point across, but do not go into this conversation with the pokemon battle song playing in your head.
Hype yourself up!
This can be a bit nerve racking, but if they are truly a friend, they will not be upset by you setting boundaries
Okay, we are having the conversation, this is how you set up expressing your boundaries:
When _____ happens, this is what I would like for you to do.
It made me uncomfortable when ______.
Can we talk about ways in which we can ____________.
Be assured in yourself without being overconfident.
Don’t waiver. This is about your self care. But don’t be a dick. You are no one’s therapist and can not tell them what they need.
Be open to feedback
They may express their own set of boundaries, be open to listening to them.
BOOM! Now you’ve had a hard yet rewarding conversation on boundary setting.
Your friendship will be stronger because of it, and you’ll be happier that you respect yourself enough to show people how you want to be treated.
If you have any questions about setting boundaries, feel free to reach out and comment below! If you like what you read, sign up for my newsletter so you are first to know when new social blogs are posted!
Until next time :)